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Gillian knew that once the employees left for the night, they would be able to start the part of the night she was sure the three of them were looking forward to. The time where they could fully explore each other’s desires; what all three of them were fantasizing about
“You guys did a great job tonight. There are only two things I need you all to do. Lock the door after the last of you leave and have a great night. The second is to find yourselves some fun. It is only 2 am, plenty of time for you all.” Gillian said with a smile and a wink.
“Certainly. Now Gillian and John, you two have fun as well. You both deserve to let your hair down and get your funky on.” She said smiling walking out the door. When they heard the door close and lock, the three of them started to laugh.
“You have a great staff.” Mark said as he put his hand through his said. As he did this both Gillian and John admired the soft smile appear on his face. They both knew they had him out numbered, two to one, but his nerves did not show any hesitation at all, just the offer to get the next part of the night started.
“They are like family. We try to treat them well. It is hard to find people so open to so many different lifestyles we attempt to cater to.” John said.
“Plus, we owe them for tonight. They all said you were a great person, and someone we should look into meeting and getting to know in a special way. Hell they volunteered to do everything tonight and not interrupt us and let our mojo mesh.” Gillian said with a nervous chuckle.
Mark did not want them to feel as thought he was standoffish at all. He stretched his arms to his sides and placed an arm around the shoulders of the both of them and drew them both closer to him. Mark looked into Gillian’s eyes as she looked warmly in his. She knew what Mark was thinking, and gave him a slight nod of approval to what he was thinking.
Mark then turned his head to face Mark and softly pulled him in first to give him a kiss on the lips first. As their lips touched, both men felt the excitement explode in them. John brought his hand up and proceeded to run his fingers through Mark’s hair.
This just increased the excitement in both men. Mark opened his mouth, to which John followed his lead and their tongues became intertwined in a passionate kiss. Their faces meshed into each other tighter the longer the kiss went on.
Mark’s had slid down from John’s shoulder and ended cradling John’s muscular ass as Johns hand held Mark’s head in place and his other hand slowly slid down Mark’s arm own to his waste and to the top of his leg. From this point it was a slow movement but ended cradling Mark’s rigid cock from the outside of his pants.
Gillian sat back watching these two men kiss and caress each other. She felt the excitement both men were releasing. She leaned back in her seat watching them. The site of the two of these men show a passion towards each other excited her. She knew her pussy was moist with excitement and brought her hand up her clack colored skirt and felt her moisture had already soaked the crotch of her black lace panties.
Mark opened his eyes, he was loving this moment. He loved John’s soft touch on his hard cock and the feel of his ass on his hand, and how his short stubble felt on his face. But he knew he had to separate and give Gillian the attention she deserved as well.
As Mark reluctantly removed from the kiss, both their eyes seemed to open at the same time. They stared it each other for a second and then John gave him almost the same nod that Gillian had given him just minutes ago.
Mark then turned to face Gillian. He saw her with her hand up her skirt playing with herself. He then decided to lean into her and place his lips on hers. Gillian must have been in a trance feeling her slick wet pussy and diddling with her clit that she was not expecting Mark’s lips on hers.
Gi11llian quickly accepted Mark’s kiss as she quickly opened her mouth and accepted his tongue allowing her to accept his energy and to give him hers. She felt the excitement and the warm wet excitement seemingly bubble from her loins and onto her fingers as she continued to softly rub her engorged clit under her dress.
Gillian then felt another set of familiar hands softly maneuver under her soft black dress and softly manipulate her tender yet erect nipples softly. This amount of stimulation of Mark kissing her, John’s hands on her breasts and her fingers working on her pussy was enough energy to take her to the brink of ultimate excitement.
Gillian was accepting so much pleasure she could barely hold it in any longer. She was already breathing hard as she pulled away from Mark’s kiss and removed her hand from her pussy and placed her fingers at Mark’s mouth and said, “We need to go to my office now. I need you both back there so we can do this.” In a breathy voice.
Mark opened his mouth and accepted her sweet mist fingers into his mouth and sucked her juices off them while looking at the both of them and whispered to the both of them, “Let’s do this. I want to fill and accept the both of you.”
This statement by Mark took her over the edge as she felt a flow of energy bubble over the top and she felt her face get flush as her pussy gushed with warmth and she felt a small dribble of her juices trickle out of her. Her body trembled as she stood up.
Gillian felt her juices slowly drip down her inner thighs as she grabbed both Mark and John’s hands and quickly walked them both to the office door located in the back of the bar.
The office was dark until Gillian flipped on the lights. As the ceiling lights flickered on, Mark was shocked to see the office was more like an apartment as it contained a desk, nice leather sofa and at the far end, a queen size bed.
Once all three made it into the room, John separated from the group to close the door. Gillian turned to face her husband and backed up to Mark to that when John turned around he saw she had hiked her dress up and had backed her g-string ass up against his front side and had one of her hands were already making its way down Mark’s front side underneath his pants.
Gillian could feel how excited and erect Mark was. She wanted his pants to just disappear so she could just shove his cock into eagerly hungry cunt. She wanted him to bender her over and just ram it deep into her. Gillian also desired that once she had Mark’s cock deep inside of her pussy, she wanted John to ram his cock hard down her throat. She knew John knew how she liked in and would find the perfect rhythm, as Mark would withdraw from her, he would be thrusting into her throat.
When her hand met his cock and started to rub it, she could sense the wetness of his precum bubbling out of the slit. Once having enough of it on her fingers, she knew she needed a taste. She craved to know how he tasted. She released his prick and pulled her hands free of his pants and licked her finger.
His sweet salty taste brought a smile and relief to her desires as she now knew he tasted delectable. She then quickly placed her hand down his pants back to his rigid cock and returned to stroking it again.
The site of watching his wife stoking Mark’s cock excited John. As he started to walk to the two of them he, button by button, started to slowly remove his shirt. Mark watched John do this with one eye, admiring his physique while holding Gillian up and accepting her hand on his ready to explode cock.
John then stood before the two of them, he admired the view of his wife stroking Mark’s pants confined cock. He slowly unbuckle his belt and then unbutton and unzip his pants and then let them fall to a heap at his ankles and then step out of them. His massive cock was already hard watching the two of them enjoy each other’s sensual touches and exchanges of energy.
Both Gillian and Mark saw John standing there naked. Gillian removed her hand from Mark’s pants and turned to face him and slowly lowered herself to her knees. As she lowered herself to her knees her hand’s grabbed his belt and quickly unbuckeled, unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and then let them fall to the floor.
“He can’t be the only one naked.” Gillian said with a smile as Mark stepped out of his pants. John then saw Mark’s cock spring out before them. His eyes widened with excitement to see what he had only felt through his pants with his eyes.
“What a magnificent cock” John said breathlessly and with a delighted smile on his face.
Mark started to undo his shirt and John made his way to Mark to help him to take it off. By the time he got his hands up, Mark hade unbuttoned his shirt. John then took a hand full of both side of his open shirt and pulled. Mark bent at his waist towards John, as the space between them closed, Gillian looked up to watch their lips touched and they passionately kiss; their tongues once again intertwined in a tango style dance.
Gillian still kneeling between the two men, looked up at the both men obviously enjoying the passionate kiss but also felt lucky to have their two rock hard cocks pointed directly at her and each other. She looked at both rigid cocks and decided to softly wrap a hand around each cock andslowly stroke them both.
Gillian then licked her lips to ready herself and then opened her mouth and placed both cocked on the corners of either side of her mouth. The tip of both cocks, both moist with the precum and she drew both cocks closer together until both tips touched each other, thereby mixing their excitement and energy together in a concoction strait for the sources which she knew she would love and it was a mixture only for her to have, both juices mixed together only for her to consume this way.
Both Mark and John got excited by the feeling of their cocks touching, as both started to feverishly attempted to devour the other with their mouths. As Gillian separated both cocks from each other, a thin string of cum still connected both men.
Gillian got the first taste of both men together as the thin string softly landed on her tongue. She knew how both men tasted alone, but this tasted to her like pure passion and excitement she had not experienced before. She had tasted John with other men, but those other times were nothing compared to the mixture these two men made.
John looked down at his wife as she did this and decided to separate his lips from Mark’s and said, “How do we taste?”
After Gillian was done licking the tips of both cocks again, looked up at her and said with a smile, “Like heaven.”
“Well I am going to have to get a taste of him myself.” John said as he dropped down to his knees next to Gillian, who still held Mark’s cock in her hand. She then pointed Mark’s rigid member towards her husband, who smiled and them opened his mouth to accept the hard cock. John slowly accepted Mark member into his eager, wet mouth.
The feeling of John’s lips closing around his cock and moving over the head of his cock and Gillian sucking and licking his balls almost made Mark explode. Mark felt her tongue work on his balls in a similar rhythmically tempo as to what John’s was doing to the head of his cock.
Mark then felt his dick hit the back of John’s mouth and decided to look down at John. His noticed John looking up at him and admired the sight of John’s mouth full of his cock, eyes filled with joy. That is when Mark noticed John started to smile and then close his eyes and what happened next took Mark the closest to the edge of exploding for the first time this night.
John had worked Chads cock to the back of mouth and had it stay there for a second, letting Mark’s salty precum drizzle down his throat. He looked up again into Mark’s eyes, gave him a wink and proceeded to swallow and work all of Mark’s huge cock down his throat.
John felt Mark almost jump, but he had brought up his hands to cradle Mark’s ass, not just stopping Mark from jumping back and to also pull him closer. John would not let go until Mark’s cock was fully down this throat and had decided to keep him there.
Mark loved the feeling of John’s warm mouth engulfing his cock. He felt John wanting to gage and then as slowly as John took him in he started to slowly move off him. Then he felt Gillian release his balls as John made his way back down once again accepting the entire cock back into his throat.
As John pushed Mark back into him, his hands gripping each ass cheek; this movement spread Mark’s ass cheeks apart. It was almost as though they had planned it, Gillian was there to place her face into the open space and started to lick Mark’s accepting hole.
Mark was again was pleasantly shocked by their attention, but the pleasure was almost more than he could take. Gillian’s soft tongue worked his ass. She felt little resistance after his initial shock however he muscle quickly relaxed and accepted her tongue.
John slowly released Mark’s cock, Gillian continued her expedition into Mark’s now accepting asshole.
John then maneuvered himself onto the bed so that he could again devour Mark’s cock but also offer his own for Mark to enjoy.
Mark noticed John’s thick cock just outside his lips. This is half of what he had been looking forward to doing. He could feel the heat radiate from John as opened his mouth to accept the thick cock into his mouth.
Mark strained as he opened his mouth to accept John’s cock. This was the thickest real cock Mark had ever accepted into either his mouth or ass. Mark was successful in slowly getting the head into his mouth. Mark then proceeded to lightly suck and flick the tip as it filled a good portion of his mouth.
Gillian then got up from the bed and looked down at her two men passionately devour each other’s cocks. She saw their beautiful movements. She saw Mark struggle to accept John’s thick cock while John did all he could to not gage accepting Chad’s cock down his throat. The two men worked on each other in unison until Mark felt John’s cock get more rigid and could feel it strongly pulse.
John quickly exhumed his cock from Mark’s mouth. In doing so, John released Chad’s cock from his mouth and said, “Not yet. Not yet!!!!”
There was nothing John could do to stop what Mark had done. There was no baseball state to remember or bad experience to offset the pleasures he had experienced so far.
Gillian now kneeling on the floor on the side of the bed said, “I am here for you. I want your cum. Don’t you Mark?”
Mark slid off the side of the bed to join her kneeling on the floor. “Oh yes!”
John, held and pinched his cock stood over the two of them. This was something he had never experienced, the first to explode, but to spray his load on the faces of both his wife and that of another man.
“Ohhhhhhh gggggoooooOOOODDDDDDDDD!” John screamed as the first pulsation of cum shot from his cock and half landed on the far side of Gillian’s face and the last but landed on Mark’s nose. John then got his bearing together and proceeded to air at both Gillian and Mark’s eagerly awaiting open mouths.
John felt like his balls were being drained with each stroke he made of his cock. He admired how neither partner dodged his juices, but seemed to desire as accept as much of his white jizz as they were offered.
When it looked like John was done Gillian and Mark glanced at each other and then started to kiss. They shared the jiz they each caught with the other. When they both thought they had an equal share, they shared a glance and they both nodded.
They both knew what the other was thinking, as they both swallowed John’s tasty load and offered a view of their empty mouths to John to show him their appreciation of the gift he provided them.
John was attempting to catch his breath when he saw their open mouths, when he said, “God you two are insatiable.”
Mark entered The Shack later than he did the week before. The rain had delayed his arrival as every cab appeared to have a passenger sp it took him twice as long to flag down a cab delaying his arrival. He hated this, all Mark wanted to do is meet up with Gillian and John. He wanted to know if they even wanted to be with him at all.
Marked looked around and at first did not see either of them. He walked over to the bar and shifted his fingers through his wet hair, frustrated and hurt that the fates might be working against him. That was when he heard a woman scream from above, “MARK!!!! Up here!!!”
Mark looked up and saw Gillian up on the second level smiling and waving down to him. The sight of her brought a smile to his face. Then from behind her John’s head popped out beside her also smiling down to him as John yell down to him, “Get up here!!!! We have a spot up here for you!!!”
Mark gave them both a big smile and nodded to them as he looked around to the stairs to the second level. He saw the steps were across the room and slowly walked towards them and climbed up. Once he ascended the stairs there stood Gillian and John smiling at him.
Gillian gave Mark a big hug followed by a deep and passionate kiss. She brought her hands down to firmly squeeze his ass-cheeks in a playful way. This move took Mark a little by surprise as he fletched and tightened. When the embrace ended it was John’s turn to greet Mark.
Mark opened his arms and offered John a hug. It was at this time that doubt started to fill Mark’s mind, was he presumptuous in kissing John like he did last week? Did John only kiss him back so he did not feel rejected? His thoughts were quickly answered when John moved in to accept the hug and proceeded to give Mark the same kiss he had given him the previous week.
“Glad you decided to return today. We were not sure you were coming back” John said after they separated and started to lead Mark to a sofa.
Mark noticed things were a little different here on the second floor, first it was a little darker then downstairs and the sexual energy was more evident as well. Though everyone was still clothed, the energy was there and the display of affection was not hidden. He saw all sorts of couples up here making out and exploring each other’s bodies over their cloths. He openly saw men kissing both men and women; women kissing men and women and there were several threesomes locked in embraces.
“I am sorry finding a cab was next to impossible with the rain.”
“That is what we thought, but we were unsure if you would return.” Gillian stated looking into Mark’s eyes.
“You two are all I have been thinking of all week.” Mark said with a smile. He could see their shoulder’s drop and relax. They too must have been thinking about him all week.
“I have been looking so forward to tonight, it make the week unbearably long and frustrating.” Mark said smiling.
The both returned his to him when Gillian asked, “Do you mind if I am forward with you, Mark?”
This shook Mark a little. Were they going to turn him down tonight? Did his tardiness force them to see out the company of another person? “Not at all.” Mark responded meekly attempting to maintain a poker face not showing his nervousness.
“I do not know if you know this, but after last week, John and talked about you all week.” Gillian said.
Mark thought Gillian was going to drop the boom and say they thought twice about him, and would send him on his way.
“We really like you,” Gillian continued “and we want to take you home with us tonight. That is if you want to come with us.”
Mark was relieved by what Gillian had said, “If you will have me, I am willing to follow you and see how things turn out.”
“ I would expect nothing less.” Gillian said as she gave mark a soft hug.
Marks first thoughts were on how attractive the two of them were as he returned the hug back to Gillian. Mark felt her soft body meld with his made his cock swell which he was sure she could feel through her dress. Her hand slid down his back and rested on his ass to pull his crotch closer to her. She wanted to feel that erection, his excitement swell in his pants while also press against her.
While still in the embrace, she raised her head to look up at him. Some of her dark hair had fallen into her face. She looked up at through the hair and gave him a sensual smile of approval as she had indeed felt his cock and was getting more impressed as he grew even harder.
Where they ended their embrace, Mark admired Gillian’s knee length black dress which hugged and showed off each of her incredible curves. The V-neck gave view of her ample cleavage bounced and swayed with her every movement. Mark was sure John and Gillian both knew how erect his cock was for her. Not her but the both of them.
Gillian grasped both men’s hand and led them to a sofa where they nestled in closely tighter, sharing their body heat with each other. Mark sat in the middle while John and Gillian sat on either side of him. They sat there for the next few hours continuing last week’s conversation covering a range of topics from work, favorite foods, movies and sexual likes and desires.
As the evening progressed both Gillian and John would softly touch Mark while Mark returned the favor with a similar touch. It started with Gillian running her hands softly up and down his should, feeling his muscles. Mark softly brought his hand softly down her spine down to the crack of her ass.
John from time to time would place his hand on Mark’s thigh, each time he did so, the hand rested closer to his crotch leaving Mark excited and wanting and waiting for his had to finally land on what he knew they both wanted his hand to land on.
The crowd excitement ebb and flow as people mulled around conversed creating their own excitement all the while oblivious to the energy and excitement of the threesomes playful touching game which was slowly escalating in sexual energy and tension.
Mark, Gillian and John so desperately wanted all the customers to depart so they could live out what they were thinking. Mark wanted to get them both naked in front of him. He wanted John naked in front of him, to take what must be hard cock in his mouth while Gillian in between his legs taking his cock in her mouth.
Gillian wanted to lay Mark on his back and lay naked on top of Mark ad allowing him to lap up her moist pussy while taking his cock in her mouth while Mark slowly lapped her moist pussy while attempting to put her mouth around both rock hard cocks in her mouth.
John wanted Gillian on top of Mark in a 69 position, her sweet mouth around his cock while Mark sucked and licked her slit only to be disturbed with his cock entering Gillian’s pussy from behind, leaving Mark in the perfect position to lick his prick as he enters Gillian. He wanted to give Mark the chance to offer Gillian’s sweet juices off of his cock.
There was so much they wanted to do and the night continued on. That was until one of the employees walked up to their sofa and said, “Gillian, the last customer has left, we have cleaned everything up and I have counted the registers. Is there anything more you want from us tonight?” This employee KNEW what was going on with the three of them and the staff could not be happier for them.
Gillian looked up at the staff member, in shock as she wondered where the hell did the evening go? While thinking at the same time thank goddess the customers were gone to do what they do after the bar closed and that their night of pleasure could soon start.
The stormy weather only added to Mark’s uncertainty. “Was this stormy night a foreshadow of a bad things or was it cleansing all the bad energy he experienced this past week?” was all that Chad could think. Though he was unsure, he was not going to let it prevent him from unknown possibilities this night might hold for him.
It was last weekend he had met the young couple he was meeting at the bar called, “The Shack”. It was the local “lifestyle” friendly club. He had gone to it because of its rule to accept everyone in a safe and friendly environment, free of judgments.
Last week, Mark dared himself to go and check out the club alone. Before walking in, he did not know what to expect. He initially thought there would be half naked people swinging and dirty dancing and having sex all on every area of the bar. He knew it was a silly thought, but the idea excited him.
When Mark first walked into the bar, he was pleased at the low-key environment. It was two level, the bottom floor was a modest sized dance floor surrounded but a railing and the rest of the floor had small circle tables and some chairs. Along the walls were several sofas as well. Though there was a dance floor, the music was at a level to allow for conversation and not extremely loud.
Mark then found an open seat at the bar and asked the bartender for a simple drink and stood there letting the ambiance soak in and let his preconceive notions get drown out by reality. Once Mark got his drink from the bartender and paid his tab, he turned to face towards everyone else in the bar.
He saw small groups of people talking, smiling, laughing and having a good time. His first feeling was that he did not belong here. It did not seem like it was that much different than any other bar that he had been to. It took him a little time but he then noticed some coupling was different; he noticed along with the men with women coupling he could also notice women with women, men with men, couples with couples and couples with a third all mixed together.
The idea of people being able to be themselves excited Mark so much that he did not notice the couple right next to him. He then felt a soft tap on his shoulder. This shocked him a little but he slowly turned to see a woman, a little shorter than he standing there smiling at him.
“How are you doing tonight?” she had asked him.
Her smile was so intoxicating to him, all he could do was to return the smile back and say, “Doing well now.” Mark knew that was a shitty line, but that was not his intent to pick her up, but the statement was out there now; there was no taking it back.
“Have you have been here before?” she asked.
“N-no.” Mark responded, “I have been curious about this place for a while now.”
“I thought so. My name is Gillian.” She said. Her voice made had a calming effect on him and excited him a little as well.
“Nice to finally meet you Mark.” This exchange took him off guard as she continued, “Glad you decided to come out.”
“My husband,” she pointed to a man reclining on one of the sofas, who nodded at approvingly to Mark, “and we have been watching you since you came into the bar.”
Mark was taken a little aback by the approach and unsure what was going on and what this was all about. All Mark could muster was almost a blank stare back while continuing to smile at Gillian.
“May you are a quiet one, Mark. Are you alright?”
“I-I am fine.” He said still shocked, confused and unsure what was going on.
“Look, we don’t know where your interest lye, but my husband and I find you attractive and want to get to know you better. Would care to join us? Gillian asked.
To break the silence she then said still smiling, “I hope that did not sound too creepy.”
Mark chucked and a smile returned to his face and he exhaled deeply. “That does not creep me out at all. I would be honored to sit with the two of you”
Mark followed Gillian to the sofa. When they go there, her husband stood and said with a warm smile, “I am John, nice to meet you…”
“This cutie is Mark.” Gillian said finishing the introduction.
“Please have a seat Mark.” John said motioning for him to sit. For the rest of the night the three of them were in conversation. They started to learn more and more about each other. They learned that Mark had bi-sexual interests and had not really acted out on those feeling.
Mark learned that Gillian was the owner of The Shack, in fact she had met her husband at this bar several years ago. John had been a regular here and was well known and liked by many of couples who frequented the bar. The fact was that John was always open to fulfilling everyone’s fantasies and desires.
That night had ended with Mark stating he had to get home as he had an early morning the next day. He had enjoyed the conversation. He felt excited and attracted the both of them. He had hoped they understood and did not think he was backing out of exploring them even more.
Gillian had smiled and opened her arm to give him a hug. As she came in to him, she gave him a soft kiss on the lips. What happened next left him in shock.
As John opened his arms to give him a hug, Mark accepted the hug, and he was the one who started to kiss John. It was not a small peck, but a full on open mouth kiss with their tongues intertwine together in a passionate exchange.
For the past week, so many thoughts passed through Mark’s mind, so many different scenarios on how anything might play out between the three of them.
Mark remembered that as soon as he arrived home, he masturbated several times the kiss he shared with both Gillian and John and the to the thought of spending the night with the two of them.
At the beginning of the week Mark’s fantasies started with him bending Gillian over and rapidly fucking her and by Wednesday night he thought of bending them both over and having sex with the both of them. By Thursday night all Mark could think of was what it would feel like to have both Gillian and John suck him off and the follow it by bending John over, spreading his ass cheeks and fucking his tight asshole until he exploded and then wondered what it would feel like to have John do the same to him and then they could top the night off by them both having sex with Gillian
Now it was Friday, and he was on his way to the club, excited to see how the night would progress and wonder how everything would go down…
Keep your eyes out for Part II which will be out real soon. The heat continues to rise at The Shack.
This has been a hectic week for me as I got back from CatalystCon 2014, survived another North East snow storm (12 inches this time) and for the rest of the week, thinking what my first subject I would write about #ccon. Every time I am around such positive people and exchange ideas, ideas and energy I have to say the personal growth is priceless and best of all, I was lucky enough this year to share this experience with my wife, thereby providing the opportunity to better understand this journey which I started a year ago, understand how/why a gathering of Sex+ professionals and allies could have made such a monumental impact. The impact has been so great that though this journey is something I have to experience and process, this gathering provided her the peace of mind I am around some of the finest people around.
Let me first start off this post by providing a heartfelt Thank You to everyone in attendance, but most of all I want to show my appreciation and respect to the visionary of this conference, Ms. Dee Dennis and that her vision inspires discussions. These discussions could be perceived by some as good while others can see it as threatening, but that is what a discussion is all about and I hope the discussion of growth and betterment will never stop.
So let me say here and now, I want everyone involved in making the weekend so wonderful, “THANK YOU for a wonderful, enlightening and powerful weekend.” Let me say that again, THANK YOU so much Dee and the ENTIRE STAFF for what must have been countless hours organizing and working all the issues which pop-up a conference with so many moving parts; all the while ensuring the attendees had over 50 one hour sessions to choose from, I not only tip my hat to you, If you see me at the next CatalystCon or any other event, you have my open consent card to grab me and I will provide you with a big hug I so owe each of you (with consent of course). Also thanks to the sponsors of this event for your openness, willingness and BELIEF in the SEX+ movement and how important it is to keep the conversation going. I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!
For me the weekend started off by having the honor hearing heartfelt stories by Dr. Carol Queen, Dr. Robert Lawrence and Ducky DooLittle concerning their early years as a Sex Worker/Educators. Each painted a vivid picture which I could easily transport myself to that time-period and moment, One thing which surprised me, and I think they were both were just as shocked, that though they were on opposite coasts, in those early years, their tails were shockingly similar while individual to their own situation.
This time I had a better idea of what to expect, so I did prepare myself this time and paced myself at the con, ensuring plenty of time to administer some self care (yes, that was me at every break standing outside of the hotel smoking a cigarette in front of the hotel, but we all have vices). This allowed me to process and prepares for each session, engage in conversation and prepare myself to share my perceptions on subjects. If you did not know, I still hold a lot of fear expressing myself with eloquence and poise. It is not because I do not believe what I am talking and fighting for but it is my brain which works 1,000,000,000 mph and I can only speak about 5 mph.
If you have been following this blog since December 2013, you might remember the post concerning my lack of sex education (read it HERE) and the ramification I have been addressing these past few months which I attribute to that sub-par education. So what happened on Sunday gave me the boost in my confidence that I am doing this for a reason and it could make a difference. It was following my participating in Dr. Rosalyn Dischiavo‘s seminar “Orientation as A Living Entity”.
During the class Dr. Dischiavo had us move around the room and examine first sexual orientation over a period of time asking us to remember our placement on the scale in five year increments and then did the same concept, but focused how we perceived our gender identification during the same five year intervals. Now that we all had both reference points Dr. Dischiavo split the participants in half one side of the room and told them to take their current sexual orientation and had the other group (mine) and have us stand where we fit on the scale at age 15. She then asked us to take our 15 year old gender identity and meet someone on the other side of the room which closes represents our current sexual orientation. Then imagine what the 15 year old gender identity do/react to the placement on orientation.
I walked to a young lady closest to the center of the line, i.e. “bi-sexual” (as I stated in a previous post, I claim a sexual, as in open to any possibility and allowing the relationship to naturally develop rather than forced in a specific orientation, which I am not sure I even developed) and thought, “What would the me then do with this information? How would I react?” I then started to stare at this woman rubbing my chin.
After a few minutes of contemplating Dr. Dischiavo asked if anyone wanted to share their experienced in the past few minutes. After a moment of silence I decided to speak up. I told the class the 15 year old me would try to assess the situation. Does this orientation feel “right”, as long as I am happy, I think 15 year old me would be as well.”
“The 40 year old me wanted to give the 15 year old me a hug and tell him everything will be alright, but be mindful of other people’s bias, ignorance and intolerance infect your life. Living that way will make the next 25 years a little easier.”
Well back to the recharge room, a different lady from the class came up to me and told me how powerful my story was, and that her partner was experiencing similar thoughts and questions as I was. I gave her my card, which contained web address to here. I told her, this is a kind of journal of the questions I have and my journey of self discovery. It was at that moment, I found my place!!!
If I can help one person to feel less alone, that it is alright, healthy in fact, to question to question your beliefs. That mama told me to eat my vegetables, and her answer to my “They are yucky” she would inevitably state, “How can you KNOW you don’t like something if you haven’t even tried it?”
This is my solemn promise promise to all who read my blog; I will continue to document my journey in discovering myself. Some of it will be hard to read, probably just as hard as it will be for me to write. This will always be a place you can come to, know you are not alone and that what you feel, attempt to honor and nurture it, that sense of wonder.
So CatalystCon, Dee and all, thank you for making this special moment happen and know there were hundreds of other people having AH’ HA moments like mine. I thank you for all you have done and will do to ensure the discussions continue.
Don’t worry, this is just the tip of the iceberg of things I want to discuss in the coming weeks and months.
I stand WITH you all!!!
As I prepare for the CatalystCon East 2014, I was so happy to come across THIS article on a recent study which identified fluidity in sexuality is not reserved only to those who identify as women, but similar results can be found in similar portions on individuals who gender identify (GI) themselves as male. The only difference was GI women, when given one choice of sexual prevalence would choose bisexual over an extreme gay or straight identifier than GI men.
This study went on to show, GI men given a single choice would identify at one extreme or the other; however if the GI male is given the option to choose more than one identifier, a great deal would say predominantly keep the extreme an primary and secondary identify the other as well. This is evidence of evolving sexuality preference in both sexes.
This makes a lot of sense to me, as this idea has been floating around my head for many years now. I grew up in a place and time where men were told they can only be onto women and any deviation from that made you “gay”. The “joke’ (it is not really a joke, but a homophobic stereotype under the guise of humor) by Andrew Dice Clay was that “…either you suck dick, or you do NOT suck dick!!!” I remember hearing that disgusting statement from the time I was in my mid to late teens.
So since my mid to late teens I have lived under the rule in sexuality must be either/or rule than the concept of AND, since “bisexuality is only acceptable for women,” there by leaving me extremely confused about my feelings for all the people around me.
Even back then, I knew I was attracted to women a lot more than I was to men, but I always wondered why, sometimes I would think of men in a sexual way. I did not know how or who to voice this thought as it would place me in a label I did not feel truly represent how I felt or thought The closest socially acceptable way I could voice how I felt to other was adopting the statement when I found a man attractive by starting the statement off with, “I am secure in my sex and masculinity to say that” usually a male actor’s name “was attractive.”
My thoughts and fears concerning homosexuality were even further fortified when Quentin Tarantino’s “Pulp Fiction” came out and I witnessed the brutal rape scene of actor Ving Rhames’ character. The scene did illicit strong emotions of rage, which that scene should, however in my uneducated mind; I equated the attack to homosexuality and not to the viciousness and savageness of the rapist’s actions. This left me even more confused and angry at myself for so many years for being so ambiguous with my feelings to everyone to include myself. This anger at myself stayed with me up to and including the first time I was raped about 10 years ago.
Now back to the article, I feel people should not be limited to a single identity. I do not fit the same mental thought patterns I did yesterday let alone 20, 10 or even five years ago. Then why should our sexual identities be any different. Place that with the de-stigmatization of anal sex as studies are finding the greater population (both men and women) are enjoying the act in greater numbers (READ MAY 2013 SURVEY RESULTS HERE) without associating it to a homosexual act.
So from this point on, when I am asked about my sexual orientation, the only identifier I will now provide is that I am “sexual”. That does not mean I want to have sex with every person, a generality like that would equate if I identified as only heterosexual, I would have sex with every female and the exact opposite if I identified homosexual. To those people I would remind them everyone has standards and likes and dislikes and free choice (with consent) to be sexual with the gender they so choose to be with at that moment,
I have to give a lot of thanks and CREDIT once again to the wonderful Sabrina Morgan (@SabrinaMorgan) for this epiphany. She was the one who provided me the link to the study on anal sex not being identified as “gay sex” and started my journey on DR. JUSTIN LEHMILLER web-site “The Psychology of Human Sexuality” (http://www.lehmiller.com/welcome/) site and I read about the idea of sexual fluidity in men as well.
So let me say this to you now Sabina, thank you!!! I love you for all that you have done for me this year. Also a BIG THANK YOU to Dr. Lehmiller, your studies are having an impact so keep up the great work.