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Let me tell you all about something I have been up to these past two weeks. I have been busy with my regular job; in addition to that I have been doing work for this site, drafting my second and third short stories as well as some research on sexuality to come up with my point of views on a specific topic.
I was so unsure what I would write about until I went to the lovely Kendra Holliday ‘s (@TBK365) website The Beautiful Kind . I have been viewing her site sporadically over the past year or so since I found her on Twitter.
I have to be honest, since I found her on Twitter I have been incredibly attracted to her and not just for her physical beauty but on how open and sharing she is about her life and her sexual journey. It is her openness and willing to educate in a non-judgmental ways for her readers to explore themselves and learn without feeling shame in their thoughts; she encourages them to explore. An example of this can be illustrated when she asked her readers to provide her readers with ideas of sex acts should include in the other reader’s sexual lives, or something they would like to do sometime in the future.
Ms. Holliday then compiled the responses into a list and published it under the title “The 100 Sex Acts To Try Before You Die” (CLICK HERE). I do have to give her A LOT of credit, she could have made this list full of of acts which would push many of her readers way past their comfort limits; however I feel she knew if the list was filled with acts that some of her readers are not willing or not ready to explore, might impede them in their journeys of sexual exploration in expanding their options for pleasure.
I for one was shocked by this list was not how many on the list I have done (68 out of the 100), but it was the items I had not experienced. Now let me say again this list was not to shock and Ms. Holliday even states some of the 100 acts are on the vanilla side such as masturbation, phone sex, giving or receiving oral sex. However it made me question what was it that was preventing me from experiencing the final 32 acts on the list?
Of the final 32 acts some were due to the lack of availability of a partner(s) or timing to have it happen like receiving a double blow-job to completion, a MFF or FMF threesome or sex with someone famous while others were acts which I had historically turned down and told myself I was “uninterested”even though I had never realistically been propositioned to participate in. I had to question of those which I had turned down, why was I so quick to judge and mentally turn away from the idea. Was this my own mind stopping me or was it ingrained through social stigma and my family impressions or fear of labels? What was it and where did it come from?
The easiest to answer for me is the mutual masturbation one. For a long time I had carried great shame with masturbation and I experience strong feelings of self-loathing upon completion. I equated it to being dirty, and I should be punished for it. I connect this feeling to my youth when my mother came into my room as I had just finished masturbating, my pants at my knees. I remember thanking god I had rolled off the side of my bed and threw my back-pack onto the bed in time and told her was looking for notes to help help me with my homework. Upon seeing the wet-spot on my bed, I remember witnessing her put her finger in it and then smell it followed by a look of disappointment. This completely filled me with embarrassment and horror which subconsciously hold to this day. Looking back, it is a bit humorous, but that fear of being found out is why when I do self-pleasure, I am quick to get it over with. That fear and self-loathing is not a feeling I want to share with my partner. I know this is selfish and more I need to work on.
As for the same sex encounter, I wonder where this fear came from? Was it the teasing of being called “gay”, as if that would be a negative, as a kid? Was it because I am not interested in experiencing? To be honest, while conducting multiple image searches for my Sex+ Photo Blog which I maintain on Tumblr (http://capitalfun1.tumblr.com/) has provided some clarity on this subject. In my Tumblr blog I try to show images presenting a positive message of all different sexual orientations to include photos of male, male, female activity. This is when I think the answer started to become clearer.
When I started my sex+ journey, I had no idea the origins of my sexuality and thoughts on sexuality came from. Now that I am looking critically on my personal views the answer to this and questions like that are becoming more evident to me in that the activity is something I did not make my own mind on but from factors derived from someone else’s bias.
I come to that idea that during my searches of images of male on male on female mutual sexual activity to be sexually stimulating to me. The only caveat I have is the images appear to be consensual with no evidence of force portrayed. Now that is shaking me to my core as I am now questioning my sexuality.
This questioning myself is a great thing as it is allowing me to examine if I am the person I was destined to be not the person which society, stigma and bias desires to create in the world these days. The one major blockage preventing me to objectively looking and analyzing my thought on how I feel is further complicated on how I will do decide to act on my feelings will always be tainted my first time was stolen from me by a person who decided to take advantage of me several years ago by rapping me.
I will keep everyone posted on this in the months to come on how I deal with this. Until them, I recommend you visit www.thebeautifulkind.com and search around the sits as Ms. Holliday provides you a view into her journey and her life. There is a lot we all can learn from her. I know I have and that I will learn a lot from her. For that I will always tell her that I love her, even though we have never met. If that day ever does come, I want to give her a big hug.