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The Talk — A Need for Improved Sex Education #AdultSexEdMonth2014

dreamstime_m_35682020I just came back from a wonderful kink event this past weekend.  I cannot say how wonderful it was to hear over the crackling camp fire the moans and screams of the pleasures being enjoyed all around me at the camp site.  I felt this camp to be one of only a few options for many of the attendees to actually let the walls containing their inhibitions down and enjoy their sexuality is a safe and consensual environment.  They were able to be who they wanted to be, who they think their true selves are by “indulging” in their desires they have to suppress.

I had many discussions with several different attendees; their backgrounds ranged from from single adults, parents, to a non-monogamous couple who run different types of sex parties (both swingers and BDSM focused), and there appeared to be a consensus that their fears were focused on the “Leave it to Beaver” family structure focused on social derived morality than an educated, informed view.

I posed the question of sex education to many who sat at the cap fire.  I told my sex, or lack of, sex education I received growing up (READ IT HERE).  How the lack left me more confused and left me wanting more information.  In the days before the internet, getting information concerning sex consisted of walking a mile to a market which sold adult magazines, or the bookstore at the local mall.  Most agreed my education was almost worse than no education at all.

That is why I was a little taken aback when those with kids feared talking to their kids about sex.  As I stated before, I have no kids, so I have no context in how difficult and terrifying for both parties to talk about sex.  Their child has a desire to learn more about a part of their own humanity and identity while the adult worries about telling them too much or inappropriate.

My advice to them was to gradually, in small increments, have a discussion about sex with their kids; no one likes a huge data-dump of information about a given subject all at one time.  It could be something as simple as checking in with their kids, provide context to a scene they had seen on TV or movie… something as small as that can take some of the fear out of sex and sexuality.

One thing I was happy to hear, each parent wanted improvement in the Sex Education offered to their children within the schools.  They wanted it more science fact based then the shame education they currently received.  It shocked me to find out a local school district’s sex education consisted of approximately 60 PowerPoint slides.  Of these 60 slides; 35 consisted of graphic images of STI infected genitals, 10 explaining the male anatomy and sperm, 10 on the female body and the remaining five slides on child birth.  There was absolutely no reference on how to be safe.

I was pleased to hear what they thought should be most important aspects which should be covered for their kids:

  • They thought non-gender specific discussion on the relationships
  • Consent strongly enforced, even before the sex-ed class
  • How to stay safe
  • Not to lie to the children and give the impression sex isn’t pleasurable, but comes with responsibility (See three previous bullets)

So the discussions made me feel a little bit better as there are people out there desperately wanting accurate unbiased information concerning sex and sexuality for their children, but the stigma they feel from the vocal minority who still want to cling to the unrealistic “Leave it to Beaver” moral model.

The best site I have found to date, geared for a young adult and parents concerning sex is Scarleteen.  If you have similar discussions with parents concerning how to discuss sex with their children, give them the web-address to this Scarleteen.  Next time you are at the doctor, tell them about this site so they can give to other parents.  As adults we say, “Knowledge Is Power”, why can’t the same be said about the kids.  Now don’t push too hard, offer the site to other parents and let them make their own informed choices.

Now my last plea to each of the readers of this post; if you are able, please contribute to help Scarleteen keep providing the education, advocacy and support young people want and need; services directly informed by those needs as they express them themselves. You can support Scarleteen HERE


 

The Month of May Is For Masturbation

I Want the World to Go From This

I Want the World to Go From This….

A few months ago I wrote an article here which in which I revealed I have consistent feelings of self-loathing following orgasm following masturbating. (READ IT HERE)  In fact it was a topic which my muse for my original post, the lovely Kendra Holliday ‘s (@TBK365), addressed in a posting of her own on her site The Beautiful Kind titled 2-4-6-8 We Love To Masturbate (READ IT HERE)

The Lovely Kendra Holliday (@TBK365 on Twitter)

The Lovely Kendra Holliday (@TBK365 on Twitter)

A year ago I thought I was well past my shame about this beautiful and healthy practice of self love,  that I signed up to participate and raise money for the Center for Sex and Culture, an organization which I support and ask you to look into.  This event did allow me the chance to open dialog with others concerning masturbation.

The day of the event, I went to participate.  I remember it to have been a beautiful and warm day with about 35-40 other individuals who had collected donations to participate in the event.

The event started with one of my idols, Carol Queen, talking briefly about the center and their work to bring sex out of the shadows and promote health sex and healthy sexuality, free of bias, judgment and stigma.

We all found a place where we felt centered and balanced so we could participate.

Not being one to be modest, I placed my towel in the grass and proceeded to take off my clothes.  I started with my shirt.  I looked around and saw most of the participants, and you could tell they felt a bit overwhelmed in what they were about to participate in.  The reality of getting nude in front of others hit them and was probably not something they felt fully comfortable in doing; I on the other hand was one of the first to get naked and started to do some stretching.

When the others saw me and a few others naked, the rest of the participants felt more comfortable and started their process of getting comfortable.   Some kept some of their clothes on while there were others like me who were happy to be naked in nature.

However after I made myself comfortable laying down and opened my bottle of lube the first feeling of self loathing crept into my mind.  The image of getting caught so many years ago came up strong in my mind.

The issue of getting caught masturbating has prevented me from enjoying a single masturbation session.  In my mind it is a race to orgasm so I have more time to clean-up and get rid of all the evidence before I get caught, the faster the better,

There I was, on my back, lube on cock and my hand wrapped around my erect cock, I wanted to explode right there so it would be done and over with.  Panic filled my mind in that here I was at an event promoting shame-free form of sexuality and ALL I could think of was my shame!!!!

I attempted to fight the thoughts of shame as I heard the moans of pleasure all around me.  It felt as though I was all alone.  I knew I was not doing anything bad at all, but I could not get past thoughts out of my head.  All my body wanted to do was explode so I could clean up.

Another aspect of my shame comes as I tend to be silent when I masturbate.  It is almost as though my brain is not willing to allow me to enjoy the physical pleasures as I feel of my hand gliding up and down my cock with one hand and the other either tugging or massaging my testicles, or placing a finger on my anus or sometimes finger fuck my ass while manipulating my cock.  Hell, sometimes I will even try to make myself feel the pleasure by laying my cock up so the tip is pointing up at me and lightly run a single finger up and down the underside of the shaft of my cock.

SO there I was quiet ad I hear the moans all around me.  On one hand my brain is turned on by the sounds of pleasure all around me while also wanting it to be done.  I attempted to power though my feelings, but it was almost like auto pilot and I ejaculated quite quickly.

So this year let me say this to everyone, thought I feel shame, I LOVE TO MASTURBATE!!!!  I love and deserve to feel the warm joys of pleasure!!!!!

My Masturbation Secrets:

During masturbation sessions I psychologically need to ejaculate an odd number of time (i.e. 1,3,5,7… times)

Sometime I eat my own ejaculate

I do not always need visual stimuli

I want to masturbate more often!!!!

To This...

To This…

and This

and This

Nearby Washington D.C. County Efforts Endangering Sex-Workers

It has been a while but last night I saw on the news that Prince George’s County, a nearby county here in Washington D.C. was alerting the community they were going to conduct a “sting operation”. Their public stance is that are targeting the “John’s and then live tweet their full names along their mug-shots under the hashtag “#PGPDVice”.

 

I am under the impression nothing but a public PR campaign by a county, historically viewed for its high violent crime rate and perceived view the local PD is unwilling and unable to do their job to “protect and serve” their local community.

 

This “live tweeting” is just another example of a local police department stigmatizing and terrorizing a part of the population they say they are attempting to protect. They are under the mentality and understanding targeting sex-workers and their customers will cause their perceived to just vanish. The demand will just dry up.

 

When will police departments figure out, these types of actions place the very people they say they are protecting, Individuals who are forced by others either through threats of abuse or kidnapping to non-consensually participate in the sex-work industry in more danger? These sting operations places an aura of stigma and shame which prevents the individuals best placed to report an unsafe work environment and working conditions.

 

This idea these sting operations causing more damage is best illustrated by the Executive Director of HIPS (www.Twitter.com/HIPSDC) Cyndee Clay, when she stated that these type of sting operations place “Sex workers who are being abused or are stuck in a sex trafficking operation may be less likely (or able) to turn to police out of fear; similarly a client of a sex-worker will be less likely to report abuse to the proper authorities they too will be arrested.”

 

These local police departments need to think about the situation differently. The thought arresting someone is equal to “saving someone”. Who is going to save a waitress or someone in the food service industry from their sub-minimum wage jobs and the abuse from many of these people experience at the hands of untrained and ill-equipped managers who over-work and abuse them?

 

I feel the sex work industry should be considered a legitimate job, free of oppression and prosecution. Both the workers and customers of this industry should have the “right” to be safe and report acts of abuse and violence free of prosecution.

 

What also should be noted is the reasons given by the Prince George’s County Police Department why they are going to conduct the raid in the manner they are with “live tweeting” the arrests. According to their spokesperson Julie Parker they are going to Twitter for safety and transparency since most of what the “agency does is behind the scenes and the community is really intrigued by that work.”

 

Now I pose the following question to @PGPDNews ”What happened to due process? It has been my understanding a person is considered innocent before they are guilty? That is why we have a court system. That is why the news media has to say a suspect is alleged of a crime no matter how damning the evidence is against them.”

 

The PGPD do not take serious the need of public safety, and those needs should extend to everyone within the county. Hell, even Ms. Parker stated they are only publicly Tweeting this sting to quench the thirst of a community.

 

PGPD why not place efforts to lowering other crimes? According to MD crime states, PG County latest stats (2012) there were 4,946 violent crimes, 173 rapes, 31,126 property crimes and 19,988 aggravated assaults reported.

 

As this is election year, I recommend everyone to seek-out and support local organizations, like HIPS, which offered support to the local sex-worker community.  HIPS’  mission is to support the rights and dignity of individuals and communities impacted by sexual exchange and/or drug use due to choice, coercion, or circumstance. They provide compassionate harm reduction services, advocacy, and community engagement that is respectful, non-judgmental, and affirms while honoring the individual power.

 

They also believe those engaged in sex work, sex trade, and drug use should be able to live healthy, self-determined, and self-sufficient lives free from stigma, violence, criminalization or oppression. HIPS also actively engaging sex workers, drug users and the communities in challenging structural barriers to health, safety, and prosperity.

 

Follow the link below to see review HIPS’ mission and see how you may be able to support them and their mission to help so many.

HIPSSmallMain2

 

EVERYONE deserves to live free of SHAME, PROSICUTION and FEAR.  Inclusion and judgment-free access to medical educational services are ALL essential and a fundamental HUMAN RIGHTS.

 

Male Fluid Sexuality More Prevalent? I Say No S#IT About Time Someone Said It!!!!

As I prepare for the CatalystCon East 2014, I was so happy to come across THIS article on a recent study which identified fluidity in sexuality is not reserved only to those who identify as women, but similar results can be found in similar portions on individuals who gender identify (GI) themselves as male.  The only difference was GI women, when given one choice of sexual prevalence would choose bisexual over an extreme gay or straight identifier than GI men.

This study went on to show, GI men given a single choice would identify at one extreme or the other; however if the GI male is given the option to choose more than one identifier, a great deal would say predominantly keep the extreme an primary and secondary identify the other as well.  This is evidence of evolving sexuality preference in both sexes.

This makes a lot of sense to me, as this idea has been floating around my head for many years now.  I grew up in a place and time where men were told they can only be onto women and any deviation from that made you “gay”.  The “joke’ (it is not really a joke, but a homophobic stereotype under the guise of humor) by Andrew Dice Clay was that “…either you suck dick, or you do NOT suck dick!!!”  I remember hearing that disgusting statement from the time I was in my mid to late teens.

So since my mid to late teens I have lived under the rule in sexuality must be either/or rule than the concept of AND, since “bisexuality is only acceptable for women,” there by leaving me extremely confused about my feelings for all the people around me.

Even back then, I knew I was attracted to women a lot more than I was to men, but I always wondered why, sometimes I would think of men in a sexual way.  I did not know how or who to voice this thought as it would place me in a label I did not feel truly represent how I felt or thought   The closest socially acceptable way I could voice how I felt to other was adopting the statement when I found a man attractive by starting the statement off with, “I am secure in my sex and masculinity to say that” usually a male actor’s name “was attractive.”

My thoughts and fears concerning homosexuality were even further fortified when Quentin Tarantino’s “Pulp Fiction” came out and I witnessed the brutal rape scene of  actor  Ving Rhames’ character.    The scene did illicit strong emotions of rage, which that scene should, however in my uneducated mind; I equated the attack to homosexuality and not to the viciousness and savageness of the rapist’s actions. This left me even more confused and angry at myself for so many years for being so ambiguous with my feelings to everyone to include myself.  This anger at myself stayed with me up to and including the first time I was raped about 10 years ago. 

Now back to the article, I feel people should not be limited to a single identity.  I do not fit the same mental thought patterns I did yesterday let alone 20, 10 or even five years ago.  Then why should our sexual identities be any different.  Place that with the de-stigmatization of anal sex as studies are finding the greater population (both men and women) are enjoying the act in greater numbers (READ MAY 2013 SURVEY RESULTS HERE) without associating it to a homosexual act.

So from this point on, when I am asked about my sexual orientation, the only identifier I will now provide is that I am “sexual”.  That does not mean I want to have sex with every person, a generality like that would equate if I identified as only heterosexual, I would have sex with every female and the exact opposite if I identified homosexual.  To those people I would remind them everyone has standards and likes and dislikes and free choice (with consent) to be sexual with the gender they so choose to be with at that moment,

I have to give a lot of thanks and CREDIT once again to the wonderful Sabrina Morgan (@SabrinaMorgan) for this epiphany.  She was the one who provided me the link to the  study on anal sex not being identified as “gay sex” and started my journey on DR. JUSTIN LEHMILLER web-site “The Psychology of Human Sexuality”  (http://www.lehmiller.com/welcome/) site and I read about the idea of sexual fluidity in men as well.  

So let me say this to you now Sabina, thank you!!!  I love you for all that you have done for me this year. Also a BIG THANK YOU to Dr. Lehmiller, your studies are having an impact so keep up the great work.

2013; The Year Sex+ Community Saved My Life (Part 3) #Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance Summit

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If you have not seen Part 1 or Part 2 of this series which recaps the ups and downs I faced this past year, please take a read when you can, but I will recap it a little for you.  This year’s started out with dealing and being there for my ill wife, and how I almost lost her several times this past year due to cascading illnesses, sitting helpless as she was experiencing what to me was insurmountable odds as the medical professionals whom I had placed great trust in, strewn us along blindly while we spent great sums of money while they ran every test only to tell us she was faking the symptoms rather than have the courage to tell us they were not equipped or trained to provide the treatments she ultimately needed.

Every turn in this ordeal I felt more and more helpless and worthless and if it wasn’t for a group of friends, either knowingly or unknowingly, who took me under their wing and protected me while providing me warmth and love to recuperate.  These people became more of a family to me than my biological one.  Their open minds of judgment free womb made me feel more at home than my real family as I had to constantly talk them down or hear their lecture of how I should deal with this crisis with no contextual understanding of the situation. This new family allowed me to laugh, feel pleasure and expand horizons all the while experiencing my greatest despair.

I had also attended my first Sex Positive convention to expanding my horizons, obtain a better understanding about a subject I enjoy so much, meet individuals who were on the front lines fighting for everyone’s rights to be sexual or not; to express how we want to identify our sexuality free of judgment, violence and shame.  I heard the stories on how these people fight day-in and day-out, at great personal risk, for what I enjoy so much the right to be sexual.  But I still didn’t know what I could do to assist them or the cause then retweet their eloquent words, stories and articles while posting/re-posting images on my Tumblr account which I felt presented positive view of all types of sexuality while revealing the look of pleasure is exactly the same among all orientations.

Then along came…

Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance Summit (aka #SFS13)

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It was at this conference where I decided I need to have a voice as there were so many people doing all they could and for me to sit on the sidelines and bask in the victories of such brave people.  These people risked so much, and work so diligently to ensure the right of everyone is protected, but they also had genuine warmth and a real desire to ensure everyone is represented and accepted in this community.  The information flowed from the multiple presenters and session ranging from sex work, sex trafficking, sex education, sexual identity, activism and the list goes on.

I was honored to have the chance to speak with the #SFS13 keynote speaker, Carmen Vasquez and obtain a better understanding where the community came from had the direction it is going.    Such a true visionary & pioneer within the community.

I also had to opportunity and honor to meet many of the incredible  Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance board members, Buck Angel (@BuckAngel) and Nina Hartly(@ninaland ) and several members of the of the Woodhull leadership, such as Executive Director Ricci Levey and Deputy Director of Operations Justyn Hintze.

This conference showed where and how I can help and who to promote.  Organizations like HIPS (www.HIPS.org) which provides harm reduction services, education and advocacy for drug users, sex workers and their families in NE Washington DC with mobile services to Wards 1,5,6,7 and 8.

I found each of presenters and Woodhull member to be easily approachable, fun and down to earth individuals you just knew loved what they do and have a passion in what they preach: “Sexuality is a fundamental human-right to be identified and respected; until that happens,  we can never say we are truly free.”  I recommend everyone the 2014 Summit which takes place in August 2014.    

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