I just came back from a wonderful kink event this past weekend. I cannot say how wonderful it was to hear over the crackling camp fire the moans and screams of the pleasures being enjoyed all around me at the camp site. I felt this camp to be one of only a few options for many of the attendees to actually let the walls containing their inhibitions down and enjoy their sexuality is a safe and consensual environment. They were able to be who they wanted to be, who they think their true selves are by “indulging” in their desires they have to suppress.
I had many discussions with several different attendees; their backgrounds ranged from from single adults, parents, to a non-monogamous couple who run different types of sex parties (both swingers and BDSM focused), and there appeared to be a consensus that their fears were focused on the “Leave it to Beaver” family structure focused on social derived morality than an educated, informed view.
I posed the question of sex education to many who sat at the cap fire. I told my sex, or lack of, sex education I received growing up (READ IT HERE). How the lack left me more confused and left me wanting more information. In the days before the internet, getting information concerning sex consisted of walking a mile to a market which sold adult magazines, or the bookstore at the local mall. Most agreed my education was almost worse than no education at all.
That is why I was a little taken aback when those with kids feared talking to their kids about sex. As I stated before, I have no kids, so I have no context in how difficult and terrifying for both parties to talk about sex. Their child has a desire to learn more about a part of their own humanity and identity while the adult worries about telling them too much or inappropriate.
My advice to them was to gradually, in small increments, have a discussion about sex with their kids; no one likes a huge data-dump of information about a given subject all at one time. It could be something as simple as checking in with their kids, provide context to a scene they had seen on TV or movie… something as small as that can take some of the fear out of sex and sexuality.
One thing I was happy to hear, each parent wanted improvement in the Sex Education offered to their children within the schools. They wanted it more science fact based then the shame education they currently received. It shocked me to find out a local school district’s sex education consisted of approximately 60 PowerPoint slides. Of these 60 slides; 35 consisted of graphic images of STI infected genitals, 10 explaining the male anatomy and sperm, 10 on the female body and the remaining five slides on child birth. There was absolutely no reference on how to be safe.
I was pleased to hear what they thought should be most important aspects which should be covered for their kids:
- They thought non-gender specific discussion on the relationships
- Consent strongly enforced, even before the sex-ed class
- How to stay safe
- Not to lie to the children and give the impression sex isn’t pleasurable, but comes with responsibility (See three previous bullets)
So the discussions made me feel a little bit better as there are people out there desperately wanting accurate unbiased information concerning sex and sexuality for their children, but the stigma they feel from the vocal minority who still want to cling to the unrealistic “Leave it to Beaver” moral model.
The best site I have found to date, geared for a young adult and parents concerning sex is Scarleteen. If you have similar discussions with parents concerning how to discuss sex with their children, give them the web-address to this Scarleteen. Next time you are at the doctor, tell them about this site so they can give to other parents. As adults we say, “Knowledge Is Power”, why can’t the same be said about the kids. Now don’t push too hard, offer the site to other parents and let them make their own informed choices.
Now my last plea to each of the readers of this post; if you are able, please contribute to help Scarleteen keep providing the education, advocacy and support young people want and need; services directly informed by those needs as they express them themselves. You can support Scarleteen HERE
A few months ago I wrote an article here which in which I revealed I have consistent feelings of self-loathing following orgasm following masturbating. (READ IT HERE) In fact it was a topic which my muse for my original post, the lovely Kendra Holliday ‘s (@TBK365), addressed in a posting of her own on her site The Beautiful Kind titled 2-4-6-8 We Love To Masturbate (READ IT HERE)
A year ago I thought I was well past my shame about this beautiful and healthy practice of self love, that I signed up to participate and raise money for the Center for Sex and Culture, an organization which I support and ask you to look into. This event did allow me the chance to open dialog with others concerning masturbation.
The day of the event, I went to participate. I remember it to have been a beautiful and warm day with about 35-40 other individuals who had collected donations to participate in the event.
The event started with one of my idols, Carol Queen, talking briefly about the center and their work to bring sex out of the shadows and promote health sex and healthy sexuality, free of bias, judgment and stigma.
We all found a place where we felt centered and balanced so we could participate.
Not being one to be modest, I placed my towel in the grass and proceeded to take off my clothes. I started with my shirt. I looked around and saw most of the participants, and you could tell they felt a bit overwhelmed in what they were about to participate in. The reality of getting nude in front of others hit them and was probably not something they felt fully comfortable in doing; I on the other hand was one of the first to get naked and started to do some stretching.
When the others saw me and a few others naked, the rest of the participants felt more comfortable and started their process of getting comfortable. Some kept some of their clothes on while there were others like me who were happy to be naked in nature.
However after I made myself comfortable laying down and opened my bottle of lube the first feeling of self loathing crept into my mind. The image of getting caught so many years ago came up strong in my mind.
The issue of getting caught masturbating has prevented me from enjoying a single masturbation session. In my mind it is a race to orgasm so I have more time to clean-up and get rid of all the evidence before I get caught, the faster the better,
There I was, on my back, lube on cock and my hand wrapped around my erect cock, I wanted to explode right there so it would be done and over with. Panic filled my mind in that here I was at an event promoting shame-free form of sexuality and ALL I could think of was my shame!!!!
I attempted to fight the thoughts of shame as I heard the moans of pleasure all around me. It felt as though I was all alone. I knew I was not doing anything bad at all, but I could not get past thoughts out of my head. All my body wanted to do was explode so I could clean up.
Another aspect of my shame comes as I tend to be silent when I masturbate. It is almost as though my brain is not willing to allow me to enjoy the physical pleasures as I feel of my hand gliding up and down my cock with one hand and the other either tugging or massaging my testicles, or placing a finger on my anus or sometimes finger fuck my ass while manipulating my cock. Hell, sometimes I will even try to make myself feel the pleasure by laying my cock up so the tip is pointing up at me and lightly run a single finger up and down the underside of the shaft of my cock.
SO there I was quiet ad I hear the moans all around me. On one hand my brain is turned on by the sounds of pleasure all around me while also wanting it to be done. I attempted to power though my feelings, but it was almost like auto pilot and I ejaculated quite quickly.
So this year let me say this to everyone, thought I feel shame, I LOVE TO MASTURBATE!!!! I love and deserve to feel the warm joys of pleasure!!!!!
My Masturbation Secrets:
During masturbation sessions I psychologically need to ejaculate an odd number of time (i.e. 1,3,5,7… times)
Sometime I eat my own ejaculate
I do not always need visual stimuli
I want to masturbate more often!!!!
It has been a while but last night I saw on the news that Prince George’s County, a nearby county here in Washington D.C. was alerting the community they were going to conduct a “sting operation”. Their public stance is that are targeting the “John’s and then live tweet their full names along their mug-shots under the hashtag “#PGPDVice”.
I am under the impression nothing but a public PR campaign by a county, historically viewed for its high violent crime rate and perceived view the local PD is unwilling and unable to do their job to “protect and serve” their local community.
This “live tweeting” is just another example of a local police department stigmatizing and terrorizing a part of the population they say they are attempting to protect. They are under the mentality and understanding targeting sex-workers and their customers will cause their perceived to just vanish. The demand will just dry up.
When will police departments figure out, these types of actions place the very people they say they are protecting, Individuals who are forced by others either through threats of abuse or kidnapping to non-consensually participate in the sex-work industry in more danger? These sting operations places an aura of stigma and shame which prevents the individuals best placed to report an unsafe work environment and working conditions.
This idea these sting operations causing more damage is best illustrated by the Executive Director of HIPS (www.Twitter.com/HIPSDC) Cyndee Clay, when she stated that these type of sting operations place “Sex workers who are being abused or are stuck in a sex trafficking operation may be less likely (or able) to turn to police out of fear; similarly a client of a sex-worker will be less likely to report abuse to the proper authorities they too will be arrested.”
These local police departments need to think about the situation differently. The thought arresting someone is equal to “saving someone”. Who is going to save a waitress or someone in the food service industry from their sub-minimum wage jobs and the abuse from many of these people experience at the hands of untrained and ill-equipped managers who over-work and abuse them?
I feel the sex work industry should be considered a legitimate job, free of oppression and prosecution. Both the workers and customers of this industry should have the “right” to be safe and report acts of abuse and violence free of prosecution.
What also should be noted is the reasons given by the Prince George’s County Police Department why they are going to conduct the raid in the manner they are with “live tweeting” the arrests. According to their spokesperson Julie Parker they are going to Twitter for safety and transparency since most of what the “agency does is behind the scenes and the community is really intrigued by that work.”
Now I pose the following question to @PGPDNews ”What happened to due process? It has been my understanding a person is considered innocent before they are guilty? That is why we have a court system. That is why the news media has to say a suspect is alleged of a crime no matter how damning the evidence is against them.”
The PGPD do not take serious the need of public safety, and those needs should extend to everyone within the county. Hell, even Ms. Parker stated they are only publicly Tweeting this sting to quench the thirst of a community.
PGPD why not place efforts to lowering other crimes? According to MD crime states, PG County latest stats (2012) there were 4,946 violent crimes, 173 rapes, 31,126 property crimes and 19,988 aggravated assaults reported.
As this is election year, I recommend everyone to seek-out and support local organizations, like HIPS, which offered support to the local sex-worker community. HIPS’ mission is to support the rights and dignity of individuals and communities impacted by sexual exchange and/or drug use due to choice, coercion, or circumstance. They provide compassionate harm reduction services, advocacy, and community engagement that is respectful, non-judgmental, and affirms while honoring the individual power.
They also believe those engaged in sex work, sex trade, and drug use should be able to live healthy, self-determined, and self-sufficient lives free from stigma, violence, criminalization or oppression. HIPS also actively engaging sex workers, drug users and the communities in challenging structural barriers to health, safety, and prosperity.
Follow the link below to see review HIPS’ mission and see how you may be able to support them and their mission to help so many.
EVERYONE deserves to live free of SHAME, PROSICUTION and FEAR. Inclusion and judgment-free access to medical educational services are ALL essential and a fundamental HUMAN RIGHTS.
This has been a hectic week for me as I got back from CatalystCon 2014, survived another North East snow storm (12 inches this time) and for the rest of the week, thinking what my first subject I would write about #ccon. Every time I am around such positive people and exchange ideas, ideas and energy I have to say the personal growth is priceless and best of all, I was lucky enough this year to share this experience with my wife, thereby providing the opportunity to better understand this journey which I started a year ago, understand how/why a gathering of Sex+ professionals and allies could have made such a monumental impact. The impact has been so great that though this journey is something I have to experience and process, this gathering provided her the peace of mind I am around some of the finest people around.
Let me first start off this post by providing a heartfelt Thank You to everyone in attendance, but most of all I want to show my appreciation and respect to the visionary of this conference, Ms. Dee Dennis and that her vision inspires discussions. These discussions could be perceived by some as good while others can see it as threatening, but that is what a discussion is all about and I hope the discussion of growth and betterment will never stop.
So let me say here and now, I want everyone involved in making the weekend so wonderful, “THANK YOU for a wonderful, enlightening and powerful weekend.” Let me say that again, THANK YOU so much Dee and the ENTIRE STAFF for what must have been countless hours organizing and working all the issues which pop-up a conference with so many moving parts; all the while ensuring the attendees had over 50 one hour sessions to choose from, I not only tip my hat to you, If you see me at the next CatalystCon or any other event, you have my open consent card to grab me and I will provide you with a big hug I so owe each of you (with consent of course). Also thanks to the sponsors of this event for your openness, willingness and BELIEF in the SEX+ movement and how important it is to keep the conversation going. I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!
For me the weekend started off by having the honor hearing heartfelt stories by Dr. Carol Queen, Dr. Robert Lawrence and Ducky DooLittle concerning their early years as a Sex Worker/Educators. Each painted a vivid picture which I could easily transport myself to that time-period and moment, One thing which surprised me, and I think they were both were just as shocked, that though they were on opposite coasts, in those early years, their tails were shockingly similar while individual to their own situation.
This time I had a better idea of what to expect, so I did prepare myself this time and paced myself at the con, ensuring plenty of time to administer some self care (yes, that was me at every break standing outside of the hotel smoking a cigarette in front of the hotel, but we all have vices). This allowed me to process and prepares for each session, engage in conversation and prepare myself to share my perceptions on subjects. If you did not know, I still hold a lot of fear expressing myself with eloquence and poise. It is not because I do not believe what I am talking and fighting for but it is my brain which works 1,000,000,000 mph and I can only speak about 5 mph.
If you have been following this blog since December 2013, you might remember the post concerning my lack of sex education (read it HERE) and the ramification I have been addressing these past few months which I attribute to that sub-par education. So what happened on Sunday gave me the boost in my confidence that I am doing this for a reason and it could make a difference. It was following my participating in Dr. Rosalyn Dischiavo‘s seminar “Orientation as A Living Entity”.
During the class Dr. Dischiavo had us move around the room and examine first sexual orientation over a period of time asking us to remember our placement on the scale in five year increments and then did the same concept, but focused how we perceived our gender identification during the same five year intervals. Now that we all had both reference points Dr. Dischiavo split the participants in half one side of the room and told them to take their current sexual orientation and had the other group (mine) and have us stand where we fit on the scale at age 15. She then asked us to take our 15 year old gender identity and meet someone on the other side of the room which closes represents our current sexual orientation. Then imagine what the 15 year old gender identity do/react to the placement on orientation.
I walked to a young lady closest to the center of the line, i.e. “bi-sexual” (as I stated in a previous post, I claim a sexual, as in open to any possibility and allowing the relationship to naturally develop rather than forced in a specific orientation, which I am not sure I even developed) and thought, “What would the me then do with this information? How would I react?” I then started to stare at this woman rubbing my chin.
After a few minutes of contemplating Dr. Dischiavo asked if anyone wanted to share their experienced in the past few minutes. After a moment of silence I decided to speak up. I told the class the 15 year old me would try to assess the situation. Does this orientation feel “right”, as long as I am happy, I think 15 year old me would be as well.”
“The 40 year old me wanted to give the 15 year old me a hug and tell him everything will be alright, but be mindful of other people’s bias, ignorance and intolerance infect your life. Living that way will make the next 25 years a little easier.”
Well back to the recharge room, a different lady from the class came up to me and told me how powerful my story was, and that her partner was experiencing similar thoughts and questions as I was. I gave her my card, which contained web address to here. I told her, this is a kind of journal of the questions I have and my journey of self discovery. It was at that moment, I found my place!!!
If I can help one person to feel less alone, that it is alright, healthy in fact, to question to question your beliefs. That mama told me to eat my vegetables, and her answer to my “They are yucky” she would inevitably state, “How can you KNOW you don’t like something if you haven’t even tried it?”
This is my solemn promise promise to all who read my blog; I will continue to document my journey in discovering myself. Some of it will be hard to read, probably just as hard as it will be for me to write. This will always be a place you can come to, know you are not alone and that what you feel, attempt to honor and nurture it, that sense of wonder.
So CatalystCon, Dee and all, thank you for making this special moment happen and know there were hundreds of other people having AH’ HA moments like mine. I thank you for all you have done and will do to ensure the discussions continue.
Don’t worry, this is just the tip of the iceberg of things I want to discuss in the coming weeks and months.
I stand WITH you all!!!
A look into the idea of male fluidity and that it may not be uncommon. This is my story and it may help you or someone you know.
As always I would love to hear from everyone. There is no need to be shy, I leave myself naked on the site for you so I have nothing to hide so we can start a dialog to make change.
Don’t believe me? You can also see how naked I can get here https://capitalfun1.com/about/
This blog is #NSFW and should be of legal age to view.