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A few months ago I wrote an article here which in which I revealed I have consistent feelings of self-loathing following orgasm following masturbating. (READ IT HERE) In fact it was a topic which my muse for my original post, the lovely Kendra Holliday ‘s (@TBK365), addressed in a posting of her own on her site The Beautiful Kind titled 2-4-6-8 We Love To Masturbate (READ IT HERE)
A year ago I thought I was well past my shame about this beautiful and healthy practice of self love, that I signed up to participate and raise money for the Center for Sex and Culture, an organization which I support and ask you to look into. This event did allow me the chance to open dialog with others concerning masturbation.
The day of the event, I went to participate. I remember it to have been a beautiful and warm day with about 35-40 other individuals who had collected donations to participate in the event.
The event started with one of my idols, Carol Queen, talking briefly about the center and their work to bring sex out of the shadows and promote health sex and healthy sexuality, free of bias, judgment and stigma.
We all found a place where we felt centered and balanced so we could participate.
Not being one to be modest, I placed my towel in the grass and proceeded to take off my clothes. I started with my shirt. I looked around and saw most of the participants, and you could tell they felt a bit overwhelmed in what they were about to participate in. The reality of getting nude in front of others hit them and was probably not something they felt fully comfortable in doing; I on the other hand was one of the first to get naked and started to do some stretching.
When the others saw me and a few others naked, the rest of the participants felt more comfortable and started their process of getting comfortable. Some kept some of their clothes on while there were others like me who were happy to be naked in nature.
However after I made myself comfortable laying down and opened my bottle of lube the first feeling of self loathing crept into my mind. The image of getting caught so many years ago came up strong in my mind.
The issue of getting caught masturbating has prevented me from enjoying a single masturbation session. In my mind it is a race to orgasm so I have more time to clean-up and get rid of all the evidence before I get caught, the faster the better,
There I was, on my back, lube on cock and my hand wrapped around my erect cock, I wanted to explode right there so it would be done and over with. Panic filled my mind in that here I was at an event promoting shame-free form of sexuality and ALL I could think of was my shame!!!!
I attempted to fight the thoughts of shame as I heard the moans of pleasure all around me. It felt as though I was all alone. I knew I was not doing anything bad at all, but I could not get past thoughts out of my head. All my body wanted to do was explode so I could clean up.
Another aspect of my shame comes as I tend to be silent when I masturbate. It is almost as though my brain is not willing to allow me to enjoy the physical pleasures as I feel of my hand gliding up and down my cock with one hand and the other either tugging or massaging my testicles, or placing a finger on my anus or sometimes finger fuck my ass while manipulating my cock. Hell, sometimes I will even try to make myself feel the pleasure by laying my cock up so the tip is pointing up at me and lightly run a single finger up and down the underside of the shaft of my cock.
SO there I was quiet ad I hear the moans all around me. On one hand my brain is turned on by the sounds of pleasure all around me while also wanting it to be done. I attempted to power though my feelings, but it was almost like auto pilot and I ejaculated quite quickly.
So this year let me say this to everyone, thought I feel shame, I LOVE TO MASTURBATE!!!! I love and deserve to feel the warm joys of pleasure!!!!!
My Masturbation Secrets:
During masturbation sessions I psychologically need to ejaculate an odd number of time (i.e. 1,3,5,7… times)
Sometime I eat my own ejaculate
I do not always need visual stimuli
I want to masturbate more often!!!!
This has been a hectic week for me as I got back from CatalystCon 2014, survived another North East snow storm (12 inches this time) and for the rest of the week, thinking what my first subject I would write about #ccon. Every time I am around such positive people and exchange ideas, ideas and energy I have to say the personal growth is priceless and best of all, I was lucky enough this year to share this experience with my wife, thereby providing the opportunity to better understand this journey which I started a year ago, understand how/why a gathering of Sex+ professionals and allies could have made such a monumental impact. The impact has been so great that though this journey is something I have to experience and process, this gathering provided her the peace of mind I am around some of the finest people around.
Let me first start off this post by providing a heartfelt Thank You to everyone in attendance, but most of all I want to show my appreciation and respect to the visionary of this conference, Ms. Dee Dennis and that her vision inspires discussions. These discussions could be perceived by some as good while others can see it as threatening, but that is what a discussion is all about and I hope the discussion of growth and betterment will never stop.
So let me say here and now, I want everyone involved in making the weekend so wonderful, “THANK YOU for a wonderful, enlightening and powerful weekend.” Let me say that again, THANK YOU so much Dee and the ENTIRE STAFF for what must have been countless hours organizing and working all the issues which pop-up a conference with so many moving parts; all the while ensuring the attendees had over 50 one hour sessions to choose from, I not only tip my hat to you, If you see me at the next CatalystCon or any other event, you have my open consent card to grab me and I will provide you with a big hug I so owe each of you (with consent of course). Also thanks to the sponsors of this event for your openness, willingness and BELIEF in the SEX+ movement and how important it is to keep the conversation going. I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!
For me the weekend started off by having the honor hearing heartfelt stories by Dr. Carol Queen, Dr. Robert Lawrence and Ducky DooLittle concerning their early years as a Sex Worker/Educators. Each painted a vivid picture which I could easily transport myself to that time-period and moment, One thing which surprised me, and I think they were both were just as shocked, that though they were on opposite coasts, in those early years, their tails were shockingly similar while individual to their own situation.
This time I had a better idea of what to expect, so I did prepare myself this time and paced myself at the con, ensuring plenty of time to administer some self care (yes, that was me at every break standing outside of the hotel smoking a cigarette in front of the hotel, but we all have vices). This allowed me to process and prepares for each session, engage in conversation and prepare myself to share my perceptions on subjects. If you did not know, I still hold a lot of fear expressing myself with eloquence and poise. It is not because I do not believe what I am talking and fighting for but it is my brain which works 1,000,000,000 mph and I can only speak about 5 mph.
If you have been following this blog since December 2013, you might remember the post concerning my lack of sex education (read it HERE) and the ramification I have been addressing these past few months which I attribute to that sub-par education. So what happened on Sunday gave me the boost in my confidence that I am doing this for a reason and it could make a difference. It was following my participating in Dr. Rosalyn Dischiavo‘s seminar “Orientation as A Living Entity”.
During the class Dr. Dischiavo had us move around the room and examine first sexual orientation over a period of time asking us to remember our placement on the scale in five year increments and then did the same concept, but focused how we perceived our gender identification during the same five year intervals. Now that we all had both reference points Dr. Dischiavo split the participants in half one side of the room and told them to take their current sexual orientation and had the other group (mine) and have us stand where we fit on the scale at age 15. She then asked us to take our 15 year old gender identity and meet someone on the other side of the room which closes represents our current sexual orientation. Then imagine what the 15 year old gender identity do/react to the placement on orientation.
I walked to a young lady closest to the center of the line, i.e. “bi-sexual” (as I stated in a previous post, I claim a sexual, as in open to any possibility and allowing the relationship to naturally develop rather than forced in a specific orientation, which I am not sure I even developed) and thought, “What would the me then do with this information? How would I react?” I then started to stare at this woman rubbing my chin.
After a few minutes of contemplating Dr. Dischiavo asked if anyone wanted to share their experienced in the past few minutes. After a moment of silence I decided to speak up. I told the class the 15 year old me would try to assess the situation. Does this orientation feel “right”, as long as I am happy, I think 15 year old me would be as well.”
“The 40 year old me wanted to give the 15 year old me a hug and tell him everything will be alright, but be mindful of other people’s bias, ignorance and intolerance infect your life. Living that way will make the next 25 years a little easier.”
Well back to the recharge room, a different lady from the class came up to me and told me how powerful my story was, and that her partner was experiencing similar thoughts and questions as I was. I gave her my card, which contained web address to here. I told her, this is a kind of journal of the questions I have and my journey of self discovery. It was at that moment, I found my place!!!
If I can help one person to feel less alone, that it is alright, healthy in fact, to question to question your beliefs. That mama told me to eat my vegetables, and her answer to my “They are yucky” she would inevitably state, “How can you KNOW you don’t like something if you haven’t even tried it?”
This is my solemn promise promise to all who read my blog; I will continue to document my journey in discovering myself. Some of it will be hard to read, probably just as hard as it will be for me to write. This will always be a place you can come to, know you are not alone and that what you feel, attempt to honor and nurture it, that sense of wonder.
So CatalystCon, Dee and all, thank you for making this special moment happen and know there were hundreds of other people having AH’ HA moments like mine. I thank you for all you have done and will do to ensure the discussions continue.
Don’t worry, this is just the tip of the iceberg of things I want to discuss in the coming weeks and months.
I stand WITH you all!!!