A few months ago I wrote an article here which in which I revealed I have consistent feelings of self-loathing following orgasm following masturbating. (READ IT HERE) In fact it was a topic which my muse for my original post, the lovely Kendra Holliday ‘s (@TBK365), addressed in a posting of her own on her site The Beautiful Kind titled 2-4-6-8 We Love To Masturbate (READ IT HERE)
A year ago I thought I was well past my shame about this beautiful and healthy practice of self love, that I signed up to participate and raise money for the Center for Sex and Culture, an organization which I support and ask you to look into. This event did allow me the chance to open dialog with others concerning masturbation.
The day of the event, I went to participate. I remember it to have been a beautiful and warm day with about 35-40 other individuals who had collected donations to participate in the event.
The event started with one of my idols, Carol Queen, talking briefly about the center and their work to bring sex out of the shadows and promote health sex and healthy sexuality, free of bias, judgment and stigma.
We all found a place where we felt centered and balanced so we could participate.
Not being one to be modest, I placed my towel in the grass and proceeded to take off my clothes. I started with my shirt. I looked around and saw most of the participants, and you could tell they felt a bit overwhelmed in what they were about to participate in. The reality of getting nude in front of others hit them and was probably not something they felt fully comfortable in doing; I on the other hand was one of the first to get naked and started to do some stretching.
When the others saw me and a few others naked, the rest of the participants felt more comfortable and started their process of getting comfortable. Some kept some of their clothes on while there were others like me who were happy to be naked in nature.
However after I made myself comfortable laying down and opened my bottle of lube the first feeling of self loathing crept into my mind. The image of getting caught so many years ago came up strong in my mind.
The issue of getting caught masturbating has prevented me from enjoying a single masturbation session. In my mind it is a race to orgasm so I have more time to clean-up and get rid of all the evidence before I get caught, the faster the better,
There I was, on my back, lube on cock and my hand wrapped around my erect cock, I wanted to explode right there so it would be done and over with. Panic filled my mind in that here I was at an event promoting shame-free form of sexuality and ALL I could think of was my shame!!!!
I attempted to fight the thoughts of shame as I heard the moans of pleasure all around me. It felt as though I was all alone. I knew I was not doing anything bad at all, but I could not get past thoughts out of my head. All my body wanted to do was explode so I could clean up.
Another aspect of my shame comes as I tend to be silent when I masturbate. It is almost as though my brain is not willing to allow me to enjoy the physical pleasures as I feel of my hand gliding up and down my cock with one hand and the other either tugging or massaging my testicles, or placing a finger on my anus or sometimes finger fuck my ass while manipulating my cock. Hell, sometimes I will even try to make myself feel the pleasure by laying my cock up so the tip is pointing up at me and lightly run a single finger up and down the underside of the shaft of my cock.
SO there I was quiet ad I hear the moans all around me. On one hand my brain is turned on by the sounds of pleasure all around me while also wanting it to be done. I attempted to power though my feelings, but it was almost like auto pilot and I ejaculated quite quickly.
So this year let me say this to everyone, thought I feel shame, I LOVE TO MASTURBATE!!!! I love and deserve to feel the warm joys of pleasure!!!!!
My Masturbation Secrets:
During masturbation sessions I psychologically need to ejaculate an odd number of time (i.e. 1,3,5,7… times)
Sometime I eat my own ejaculate
I do not always need visual stimuli
I want to masturbate more often!!!!