Who am I? I amd just the average 40 year old who is just coming into my sexual identity. For most of my life I have been defined by what other people have defined what sex is or what sex “SHOULD” be. I now have found what other people taught me was was a bias, uneducated point of view.
Because these people fear and lack of sexual education I had high anxiety for how I felt and what I felt because it did not fit in the pretty little boxes I was told was normal or non-deviant. Because of this, I secluded myself in my own little world, not talking to the people around me in fear they would find me out, tease me for being different than others around me.
From a young age I have been told “A man does not express his feelings. A MAN is a doer, gets things done on order to provide for his family until the day you are put into the ground. There is no time for feelings as they make you vulnerable and weak. If people know that, they will walk all over you. If that happens you are nothing“
So for many years, I felt and perceived myself as different. Different because of the loving feeling I have for those around me. To let them know how I felt or feel in fear they would not understand or comprehend what I am saying. It does not mean I would act out these feelings without consent.
I also felt the people in my life would not understand the fact when I have a crush on the people around me, it could be for many reasons beyond the physical but their mind, confidence and demeanor of confidence attracts me to them. For some of these people the feeling I have are both emotionally or physically; but I respect them and would never act out without their consent.
Now here is the problem, I have spent 99.9% of my life in fear of the feeling I have and built up walls to prevent myself from opening up to those around me. Allow them to know the real me. I am scared to tell people I care in fear of loosing the relationship.
Now since meeting many people within the Sex+ community, I have met many brave individuals whom I feel safe opening up to, but those fears still exist and I find myself not fully opening up. I hope these people can understand what I am going through. That they help me pass some of these emotional blockages.